When Peter Supposedly Eats Plastic Fruit
by JuliaKerns5
Summary: [WARNING: Slash][RLSB][MWPP Era][OneShot] Remus is desperate and asks James to slip Sirius a love potion, but Sirius catches him and instead pours it into Peter's drink, not knowing what the potion is or what he's even done... for the lovely JeminaKay!


_Disclaimer_: I do not own anything.

"James?" Remus asked from the top of the dormitory stairs hesitantly, sticking out his head. "Can you come here for a moment?"

James groaned, looking at Remus irritatingly. "Can it wait a moment?"

Remus looked sternly and rather impatiently at him, so James groaned again and got up from the couch, cantering up the stairs.

Remus slipped something out of his pocket.

"Here." He mumbled discreetly, and James saw a short flash of glass be shoved into his hand. He unfurled his hand gently.

"No, not here!!" Remus yelled, closing James' hand hastily.

"Why not?"

Remus blushed. "Well… I'm not really supposed to have it here."

James let out a bark-like laugh. "You? Ickle-Remmy-Prefect? Having something here that is not _supposed_ to be here?"

"Look," Remus said hurriedly. "It's not like it's illegal. It's just against the rules to have it in school–"

James rolled his eyes, and gently hid the 'treasure' inside his coat. He peeked into his coat.

"What does it do?"

"Erm… look," He pulled James into the dormitory bathrooms and into a stall. "Take it out."

James' hand groped into his coat and fumbled for the shiny glass. It was a small bottle; a vial full of steaming pink and reddish liquid. It was rosy pink, with swirls of red distorted around the liquid.

"Is this…" James began suspiciously, uncorking it and giving it a smell. "Is this a _love potion_?"

"Shh!!" Remus squealed, pressing his hands to his lips rapidly. James pressed himself against the bathroom stall wall.

"Remus…" He said in a low voice, looking up at Remus half amusingly and half disappointedly. He looked up. "If I didn't know better I would throw this away–"

"No!! It took me over a month to make that!"

"–_but I won't_."

Remus let out his breath in relief.

"But to resort to something this low… this _needy_ and desperate–"

"_Excuse me_, James, I'm not the one trailing around Lily like some sort of irritably fly that you _cannot_ kill! Talk about needy and desperate!" Remus said, snorting.

"That's different, Moony." He said seriously, looking rather sternly at Remus. "You can flirt. You can charm. You can seduce. Then Sirius could fall in love with you. But slipping him a love potion is _forcing_ him into a fake love that will never burn forever and that will never be true. Every time he'll kiss you, every time he'll shag you, and every time he'll say he loves you…" James looked down and shook his head. "…you'll know it's all not real."

"James…" Remus pleaded. "I don't care anymore. I just want to know what's it's like to have Sirius as my own and to have _him_ entranced with _me_."

James sighed. "I…_Fine_."

"Great," The werewolf said with a wicked smile. "Just slip the entire thing into his morning goblet of pumpkin juice and he'll never notice. It's flavorless."

James nodded, remembering it in his head. He slipped the potion into his coat and unlocked the stall door, opening it gently. He gave one last disapproving 'tut' to Remus before leaving the stall.

"_Please_ do it." Remus said pleadingly, laying his hand on James' arm to stop him, as though he wasn't sure if James really _would_.

James sighed. "I _promise_," He said heavily. "I can't believe I'm letting you talk me into drugging my best friend."

"I already talked you into it." Remus said with a slight smile.

James laughed.

"_Guys?_" Sirius asked suddenly from the door, and the two of them jumped.

"Oh. Er – hi. I… I was just – er – using the bathroom."

"I can see that," Sirius said with a twisted grin, pushing them both aside. "You guys spend waaayyy too much time together if you meet in bathrooms to talk." Remus blushed as Sirius slid into a stall.

"Now shoo." He said.

James groaned and pulled Remus out of the bathroom with him irritably.

Remus opened his mouth to begin a statement of some concern and worry, but James held up his hand to stop him.

"He doesn't suspect a thing, Moony," He reassured him. "_Definitely_."

---

James had his hands in his pockets in what he hoped was a gruff and tough gesture as he waked to the Gryffindor table the next morning for breakfast, trying hard to let his hand slip on the potion inside his robes or have it bulge out too much.

He sat down next to Sirius.

"'Morning." He grumbled.

"Hey." Sirius answered back. James waited until he turned around to grab for the bacon to hurriedly take out the vial – no, it wasn't in that pocket – it wasn't there either – _where the hell was that fucking vial?_ – he finally fumbled for the bottle and uncorked it hastily with sweaty fingers, the pink goo bubbling all of a sudden, turning frothy. He held it over Sirius' goblet, when –

"_What the fuck?_" Sirius asked suddenly, lunging for the bottle in one swipe and snatching it up, James' hand still positioned over the goblet, his cheeks red.

"Er… _that_, my dear friend, is–"

"Poison??" Sirius accused with a wired expression on his face. He snarled at the bottle.

"No!"

"Oh, _hahahaha!_" He laughed falsely, bark-like too, and loudly. He shook it in James' face. "I'm afraid, my dear fellow, that if _you_ tried to poison _me_ you would _not_ succeed!!" And with that he emptied the tiny bottle in the goblet across his – Peter's.

"NO!!" James yelled, grasping for Peter's cup, and Sirius held him back.

"Oh, so you don't care if you poison me but _Wormtail_ is an exception?" Sirius asked wildly, his eyes bulging.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING POISON!" James yelled out, when Peter appeared with a yawn and reached for the toast and his goblet.

James didn't even have time to worry or warn him, as Peter took a swig of the goblet. Sirius gave small claps with a smile.

"Atta boy…" He mumbled, and James cursed.

"Oh _noooooo_." He said, his voice muffled, as he buried his face in his hands.

"What?" Peter asked, still sipping at the goblet.

"Nothing." Both Sirius and James said automatically, one of them smiling mischievously, and one of them looking horridly at Peter.

Remus walked up to their table, sitting down beside them with an odd expectant expression at James, as though asking if he had slipped Sirius the potion. James couldn't even open his mouth as Peter suddenly clung onto Remus' sleeve.

"Why, heeeeellllloooo, Remus, you're looking _mighty_ fine today! _Rawr_!" Peter said loudly, sort of incoherently, looking up at Remus with wide eyes, his hands still clinging onto his robe sleeve. Remus looked positively horrified.

"Er… hi…?"

"Hey." Peter said back, awed, and in an odd sort of trance.

Remus looked confusedly at Sirius and James. Sirius had his brows furrowed, looking confusedly at James too. James shrugged with large and appalled eyes.

"Wormtail… Wormtail must have swallowed something bad. Perhaps he ate a plastic piece of fruit." James said after a noisy gulp.

Remus' left arm was sagging down as Peter started biting on the sleeve.

Sirius tilted his head with a rather revolted look on his face. James scrunched up his face and sat quietly as he knew that Sirius was figuring it all out, simply waiting for the horrorstruck gasp.

"I… er…" He murmured, mopping his brow with one eye open awkwardly.

"_James_." Remus asked almost warningly, as Peter started nibbling on the top of his robe and muttering things like 'yummy'.

"Remus, I may have to talk to you later – or maybe now–" James said hurriedly, his eyes tightly closed again.

"Perhaps I can have a small little visit down 'explanation lane' first." Sirius said with slight force. "I doubt that this is simply a little 'mix-up', Prongs." He had even used air-quotes. James finally ripped his eyes open, and without touching his food he stood up suddenly and gave Remus snarled gestures by tilting his head very nondiscreetly toward the exit.

Remus was almost running after the furious billowing figure of James that was simply marching madly out of the hallway, Peter looking forlornly after Remus.

"Where… where did Remmmmyyy go?" He whined longingly.

James swept the last step out of the hall, giving Remus a look of tight lips and wide eyes. "Bloody hell, Remus, this wasn't me!"

"How the fuck did Peter get the potion instead of Sirius?" Remus blurted out rather heatedly.

"Why the fuck is that fucking potion so fucked up?" James retorted loudly. "Peter was fucking _chewing_ on your robe, Remus!"

Remus looked down with an angry expression, breathing in crossly.

"James," He said in a low and dangerous – almost _wolf_-like voice. "That does _not_ change the fact that Peter got the potion instead of Sirius. And that Sirius somehow _knows_."

"Well, anybody can notice the idiot eating your sleeve, Remus, it isn't exactly _normal behavior_." James snapped reasonably.

"Still! Sirius _knows_–"

"That's because when Sirius turned around – I went for the goblet – and I couldn't fucking _find_ it, so I was looking for it and I was about to pour it into his juice when he turned around and just dumped it all in Peter's drink!" He cried innocently.

"Then why didn't you stop Peter from drinking it?!"

"Because Sirius held me back–"

Remus growled out with a roll of his eyes. "And you couldn't have simply shook him off?"

"He has a strong hold, okay?" James replied heatedly.

"I should never have asked an irresponsible–" Remus began, when suddenly Sirius appeared glaring at James. He wasn't staring at Remus, but his presence made the werewolf flush. He did know, after all, that James was trying to make Sirius get infatuated with Remus.

"James," He said dangerously, his voice risky. "A _word_, please?"

James groaned, obviously annoyed that everyone was blaming him for Remus' fucked up plan.

He pulled James away from Remus, his hand gripping James' shoulder roughly. "Why was Peter acting all normal before – before he drank from his goblet, and then he… he drank from that and he was all… _funny_? And when I say _funny_, I mean _chewing on Remus_."

"Remus' _clothing_. Not Remus," James corrected. "That would be odd."

"Don't change the subject, Prongs," Sirius said. "Why is he all over Remus now?"

James took a large breath in, before sighing. He hated lying to his friend, but he _had_ almost drugged him, so…

"I… I honestly don't know."

"The potion, James!" Sirius shouted, shaking James' shoulders. "You _were_ about to slip me something, I believe that you know what it was?"

James held up his hands defensively. "I honestly didn't know what that was!"

"Oh!" Sirius shrieked out disbelievingly. "So you just picked up a random potion off of the floor and decided to simply pour it into my drink, thinking 'oh, it doesn't matter if he dies!', because if that's the case, you are stupider than I ever thought you were!"

"I… it was… a prank, Sirius," He said, his brain cackling inside at his fast thinking. "That's why I couldn't tell you. Remus was in on it too. We were going to have you do anything we… er… tell you to do for… the day."

Sirius stepped back, the anger slightly dissolved. "Then who asked Peter to chew on Remus' robe?" Sirius asked skeptically.

"Er… I did. It… it was _funny_, you have to say." James said innocently, smiling hesitantly.

A bell rung overhead and James and Sirius swung around to walk to class with Remus, only to see that he was gone.

"So… for the entire day, you say?" Sirius said with a mischievous smile.

James' eyes grew wide as he realized that Sirius wanted to mess with Peter a bit more. He opened his mouth and closed it again nervously. "We… we shouldn't play with his mind any more, Sirius–"

But Peter came springing up to them almost on Sirius' cue, looking rather determined.

"Where's Remus?" He said with a pout.

"Er… in class, Peter."

"I need to see him." Peter said firmly, marching away from the two. Sirius grabbed his arm.

"Hey Pete," He said wickedly. "Go throw Evan's bras in the Whomping Willow, would you?"

"Not the time, Sirius, for I must go see Remus and snog him senseless!" Peter beamed, looking excited, before prancing out of their sight.

Sirius furrowed his brow for a moment before speaking out again.

"Er… who told him to go snog Remus senseless?" He asked confusedly, rubbing his chin.

"I… maybe Remus did."

"Remus fancies Peter?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Er, I – yes," He blurted out, not being able to think of anything else. He sighed. "We have class."

---

"Er… James? Can I have a moment?" Sirius asked later that day after classes in the Gryffindor common room. He was peering interestedly at him, and James shut his eyes again. He knew that his plan had probably failed again.

"Uh, sure."

Sirius sat down beside him. "I just told Peter to go tell everyone in the common room that he was as gay as a maypole and then start belly dancing, but he pushed me aside and said 'sorry, I have to go shag Remus to Paris and back.' Is… is that _normal_ of Remus to ask him of such a thing?"

James stuttered slightly. "Er… I think so – Remus is quite a feisty animal sometimes around Peter… I… um… oh fuck it!" He shouted out, standing up angrily. "Look. That wasn't a prank potion or anything, it was a love potion and Remus asked me to put it in your drink."

Sirius' mouth was open and his eyes were wide, when suddenly he knitted his eyebrows together. "No… no, that can't be… Remus couldn't… Remus couldn't fancy _me_–" He stood up slowly.

"He _does_, Sirius, don't ask me why, but for some fucked up reason Remus loves you and was so desperate for any contact with you that he wanted to slip you a love potion."

Sirius' face was blank and rather awed. He sat back down again. "He… he _loves_ me?"

"I – er – I think so. Since fifth year, apparently."

"And he thinks that I just see him as a friend and a marauder?" Sirius said still rather blankly, but somehow angry now.

"Yeah. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked me to slip you the love potion–" James repeated slowly, sinking into the chair next to him, wondering vaguely if Sirius was even registering any of this.

"But I don't!" Sirius exploded suddenly. "I _don't_ see him as just a friend, James!" He shouted almost desperately, his eyes looking hopefully into James'. "I love him _back_! I've loved him since bloody fourth year!" He screamed back, looking almost anxious and nervous.

"Then… er… tell him." James said, not sure what do say in this situation.

"I will!" Sirius said determinedly, standing up rapidly. "Because you know what?"

"What?" James asked in a small voice, almost horrified of Sirius' loud and determined manner.

"Because I _love_ him!" He said firmly, staring down hard at James.

"Great," James muttered. "Just do me a favor, Padfoot. Don't tell him that it was me who slipped it to you that he loves you, mmkay?"

"I'll try and remember," Sirius said with a shrug. "But we'll probably be too busy snogging to even talk about you anyway."

"Good enough." James said, smiling tentatively up at Sirius.

---

"Remus…?" Sirius asked softly, treading gently up the boy's dormitories to where Remus was reading on his bed. Remus let his head raise up slowly, some sandy strands falling into his eyes.

Sirius walked forward and took a seat on the edge of his bed, taking the book out of his hands and laying it on the floor.

"Peter is acting strangely lately, isn't he?" He said with a slight smile.

He saw the flash of nervousness pop into Remus' face before Remus anxiously rubbed the nape of his neck and tucked his hair behind his ear.

"I suppose so."

"I think he drank something… perhaps he was drugged or so…" He hinted with a dramatic sigh.

"O-Or maybe," Remus squeaked out. "He just ate a piece of plastic fruit like James suggested. I like that idea better."

"I do too," Sirius said softly. "But why would he be all over you when he ate fruit?"

"Er… I think he's just bribing me so I can help him with his Transfiguration homework–"

"But bribery doesn't work on you, Moony. Peter knows that," Sirius said almost casually. "He told me he wants to shag you, too." He gave a playful wink as Remus' eyes grew wide.

"Uh… well, he can just keep on dreaming." Remus said awkwardly, unsure of how to respond to the statement.

"He's not the only one, Remus," Sirius said with a wistful sigh. "So many people really _do_ want to shag you, Moony…" He said with a dramatic fake grin.

"Oh really?" Remus still said just as awkwardly as earlier. "Well, they can just keep on dreaming too, then."

"So you don't fancy anyone, Moony?" Sirius asked curiously, crawling slightly closer.

"No, of course not, what makes you think that?" Remus blurted out a bit too fast in the time of two seconds.

"Well…" Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "You hear things."

"Who said I fancied someone and wanted to shag them?" The werewolf asked a bit too fast again. Sirius chuckled slightly.

"People."

"Which people?"

Sirius leaned so they were a foot apart. A slight smile formed on his lips. "Me."

"But… but you're not people, Sirius. You're a person." Remus stuttered.

"I suppose I am." Sirius responded, waiting for Remus to give an actual answer to his reply.

There was only silence, though. Tense silence.

"Don't you wanna know who I think you like…?" Sirius said teasingly with a large smile.

"I don't think so." Remus said stiffly. Sirius leant further closer.

"It's funny. Because I was so sure about him too…" He pulled back sharply suddenly, leaving Remus looking laboriously at him.

"_Him?_"

"Oh come, Remus. I know you like boys."

Remus blushed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I do," Sirius said, leaning forward again. "And it's a shame. I would have liked him too."

"Y-You would have?"

"Yeah. Any guy who plays Quidditch earns my respect."

Remus didn't say anything.

"You know what else is funny, Remus?" Sirius said, moving closer again.

"A lot of things are," Remus rambled helplessly. "Peter eating plastic fruit it funny."

"Yes, I suppose it is," He gave a small chuckle. "But that's not what I meant."

"I knew that." Remus said desperately, leaning back into the headboard as far as he could.

"What I meant is that it's funny that I've been feeling so strange lately too," He leant in further and felt Remus' breath hitch. "Actually, I've been feeling strange for a long time now," The smile fell off of his face. "For three years, actually."

Remus regained his voice again slightly. "And why is that, Sirius?"

"Because I think someone put a charm on me."

"Who, Sirius?" Remus whispered, his face nervous and still positively frightened.

"You did." Sirius finished, before kneeling up and finally breaking the tension between them as he slid his lips against Remus' gently, grabbing his face and straddling his hips.

He was waiting for Remus to gasp and finally respond, because he was sure about this. Well, at least James was sure of it, and best friends don't lie…

Remus responded what seemed like three minutes later with a very late gasp and his tongue slipping into Sirius' mouth and his hands finding their way all over Sirius as though he was a curious explorer who had to feel every bump and every curve of the land he was observing, or his skin, in Remus' case.

He moaned, which seemed to egg Remus on and flip over, letting him push Sirius down onto the bed without breaking their kiss. He broke away from him, breathless.

"Who… who told you?" He asked, panting.

"Told me what?" Sirius replied, his hands still roaming around Remus' chest and finding the first button of his shirt.

"T-That I love you." He stuttered as Sirius undid a second button.

"Oh. Prongs," He muttered distractedly, his mouth hot on his jaw. "You know I love you too, right?"

"I do now." Remus said, grabbing Sirius' shirt in a fistful and attacking his mouth again. "I guess I didn't need a love potion after all." He said with a small smile, and Sirius growled his response in agreement.

_AN_: I started this a while again and then stopped… and then found it. Actually, it wasn't that long ago when I started it. It was actually just about a week ago. But anyway, halfway through it I got bored of it and had to leave it, and then a week later I got a… a… er, craving, I guess, to continue it. Don't you ever have writer cravings and writer's thirst? Well, anyway, just to let you know, this is for the lovely and oh-so-wonderful JeminaKay who is positively AWESOME… hugs to her. :D

Love,

JULIA :D ;O :P


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